Impossible Man Answers Fanmail!
by legomaster00156
Summary: Our beloves superhero, Impossible Man, has used his time-freezing powers in order to make time in a not-very-busy schedule to answer fanmail, with exciting questions about his powers! He is assisted by his nameless intern.  Contains script-like form.


**Impossible Man:** Hello, dear readers. I know you're all looking forward to my next comic, where I defeat the evil Doctor Doofenshm-

**Intern:** Uh, excuse me, sir. As it turns out, that villain name has been taken by Disney. To use it would be copyright infringement.

**Impossible Man:** Uh, right. I mean, the dark lord Darth Vad-

**Intern:** That would belong to Mr. Lucas, sir.

**Impossible Man:** No issue, we have many planned villains. How about the maniacal lich Xykon?

**Intern:** Giant in the Playground.

**Impossible Man:** ... The Joker?

**Intern:** DC still has rights to that one.

**Impossible Man:** Um, when I fight in my next comic with some random cliche over-the-top villain. Anyway, I felt that we needed to answer some reader mail! This time, we chose ones regarding my powers, specifically the ability to have every power in the multiverse at once. What's the first question?

**Intern:** Ah, yes, this one is from a child on Colorado. He asks "Impossible Man, if you're invincible, how do you have a scar on your cheek?".

**Impossible Man:** That, my dear boy-

**Intern:** It's a girl, sir.

**Impossible Man:** - My dear girl, is simple! I got that scar by using my abilities to time travel in order to go back before I obtained my powers, and and thus my invincibility!

**Intern:** Um, sir, I'm not sure that's believable. How could you have lost invincibility, and not the power to come back to the present day?

**Impossible Man:** Allow me to answer that question with another question. Do you like having your eyes set on fire with the power of my mind?

**Intern:** Uh, no, sir. Next question, sir, is from a long-time fan in New York. "Impossible Man, if you're omnipresent, why do you need the powers of teleportation, flight, invisibility, X-ray vision-"

**Impossible Man:** Those are to reach the opponents I cannot reach with my omnipresence!

**Intern:** Uh, sir, omnipresence means that you're everywhere at once. You actually don't need those powers at all. Before you threaten me, next question! This one comes from Florida. "If your very footsteps tremble the earth, why is there no structural damage in your wake? And if you ever have tantrums, wouldn't you likely destroy the world?"

**Impossible Man:** Of course not! I also have the powers to repair any damage instantly, and calm myself emotionally in half a second!

**Intern:** Uh, of course, sir. This next one comes from Washington D.C. "Impossible Man, if you know everything, why will you not do something useful, like cure disease forever?" And from the same city, we have something similar. "Impossible Man, if you're a psychic (disregarding your omnipresence), why are you incapable of learning the villains' plans?"

**Impossible Man:** Psychic? I have that power! Oh duh, I know everything, so of course I know that I have that power! (Quick, write that down so I wouldn't forget, even if it was possible for me to forget something.) Anyway, to answer the questions, I considered curing disease, but I realized that was beneath my abilities. And I have no need to know the villains' plans, because I basically have to stare at them sternly and they disintegrate.

**Intern:** Y'know what? I won't even bother arguing the pathetic reasoning behind those answers. In fact, I think we're done here. You can scan those other letters and telepathically send the answers to those who sent them, thus resolving all of this fan mail in about... well, just now. Do you even need me?

**Impossible Man:** Well, a sidekick could be useful.

**Intern:** Disregarding the fact that I likely still wouldn't be paid, despite your ability to create gold in the blink of an eye (which, really, should destroy the economy), that would be needlessly dangerous, especially since a sidekick wouldn't be useful to you at all! Like you said, you have every power in the multiverse! You can disintegrate enemies with your mind! You can breathe in space! You're everywhere at once! You're invincible! All-knowing! You have both feet in two dimensions at the same time! When you're bored! Except that it's physically impossible for you to experience any negative emotion if you don't actually want to!

**Impossible Man:** I am pretty good, aren't I?

**Intern:** I- you- you're BORING! Anticlimactic endings are your specialty! You literally can't lose! You are the single most powerful being, ever! And you got your powers because-

**Impossible Man:** The scriptwriters were too lazy to-

**Intern:** IN-CHARACTER, Impossible Man! There you go, displaying your power to shatter the fourth wall! I hate you! You are the most hysterically overpowered character ever! And you got these powers _by a brick falling on your head_!

**Impossible Man:** I'm... I'm... not a good character?

**Intern:** Wrong! You have no character! You're just billions of powers that defy the laws of physics, in a single nuclear missile-proof shell. You have no backstory that makes sense, you've always been a goody-two-shoes, you never experience the emotional conflict or power meltdowns expected by a character of even a quarter of your power... you don't have a single flaw or weakness! _I quit!_

**Impossible Man:** ... So, I wonder if anyone else wants a job as my intern...

**Don't forget to tune in next episode for **_**"The Nameless Intern's Revenge" **_**, as the intern here prepares to force a power-weakening serum down our fair hero's throat! What sinister purpose could he possibly want to do this for?**

**Intern:** And there he goes again, using his future-seeing powers to look into the future to my exact plan...


End file.
